Legally blonde
by avril
Summary: a fake blonds contest featuring Malfoy's dynamic duo, Elven peaches aka Lego&Haldy , spicey Spike and many more
1. Default Chapter

Rated: PG-13 because Legolas was misbehaving  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, not even the computer, characters are not mine except the mysterious host. All the characters just broke in my already disturbed minds and this is the outcome...  
  
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LEGALLY (FAKE) BLONDE  
  
starring the Malfoy duo, Elven peaches, spicy Spike, some honorable celebrities and many many more...  
  
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In the great hall golden banner was floating in the mild breeze. It said "Stupid Fake Blondes Contest of 2003". There were quite a few in the room although not as many as you would expect.  
  
Around the wide polished table sat a company of not so usual guys - first there were two guys that looked alike - the older one was around mid thirty, with long sleek almost silver hair and cruel expression playing on his lips (it looked like a spout but he would never admit that). On his left was a young boy of fourteen, with short but almost bleached hair giving everybody a sneer. A father and a son of the Malfoy family, of course.  
  
On the other corner of the table were sitting two very good looking guys with golden hair, all neatly arranged in few cute braids, with pastel make up and elegant, cat like grace. Yep, you recognized Legolas and Haldir of the Elven folk. Haldir looked arrogant yet bored manicuring his nails while Legolas was reading a small book showing a yellow title "How to seduce human kings - for the elven dummies".  
  
One bleached guy was sitting alone, a far distance away from the others, sipping his Jim Bean from the uncorked bottle and thinking why the hell he came here in the first place.  
  
But the girls giggling opposite him seemed tasty enough to stay for a little while - one with very - bloody - nice curves that could shake her ass so wonderfully (one and only shaking Shakira) and I'm-a-slave-2-you- Spears chick. Goody, bleached vamp thought to himself.  
  
Then the weird host with baby blue hair appeared out of thin air and said: "Welcome to our little contest where we want to find the most stupid fake blondy. And the price...yes, there is a price ... Reese Whitersomething! What do you think guys?"  
  
No applause for several minutes but then...  
  
"Great!" Brit burst in the air and clapped her hands. "She's my favorite actress! I loved her in Just married!"  
  
The host looked slightly amused.  
  
"OK, five points for stupidity before the quiz has even started. That was fast, what do you think?" Fake applause was very loud but the contesters looked grim and dull.  
  
"What should *we* do with some *female*?" Legolas snorted.  
  
"Buggar," Spike coughed. Legolas gave him a finger.  
  
The host looked at them all.  
  
"OK, I thought that some of you won't be crazy about a women. So what about her hubby, Phil? He is kinda blond too."  
  
"Now you are talking my language," Haldir gave a nod in a very annoying way, but sexy too.  
  
"Bloody peaches and cream," Spike said. "All we need beside the blond gey gang is a Harmony and that bleached gey from Scooby doo," in the same moment Harmony walked in the room hand in hand with bleached what-was-his- name-in-the-Scooby-doo -movie.  
  
"Somebody stake me! Like now," Spike groaned.  
  
"Hi sweety," Buffy threw herself on the chair beside Spike. "Sorry for being late, I had to dye my hair roots, I hate when they look mousy brown, you know that, don't you?" She patted him on his blonde spikes.  
  
Then Malfoy senior rose pompously on his feet and declared in cold voice: "My son Draco and I, Lucius Mayfoy refuse to take a part in some muggle competition, because we are of the pure blood and we..."  
  
"Yada yada yada - shut up and sit here quiet otherwise I shall give you a scar or two to remember!" the host suddenly revealed her violently side.  
  
"You wouldn't?!" Draco rose.  
  
"I certainly would," a deadly glare forced them back on their asses.  
  
"Let's see...we have Threefakeblondes contest here. You have to choose one answer out of four given or do the trick, blondies."  
  
"Who shall be first?" the host frowned while thinking hard. Long moments have passed.  
  
"Yes, that will have to do," the host scratched her head.  
  
"We will have two groups - in the first one we have Lucius Malfoy, Lego, Buff, Brit and Harm. In the second group we will have Draco, Haldir, Shakira, Spike and bleached what-is-his-name-guy from Scooby doo."  
  
"And now, let me introduce you the honorable jury - (the curtains rose at the one side of the hall and there were three judges sitting and looking sever) - let me introduce you mad dr. Sauron O'neeye, on his left you can see evil psychopath lord Dick Valdemort and on his right (evil grin has sprat across the host's face) ... (all the contestors held their breath, eyes widening in horror) - Mr. J. Timberlake!" (The contestors were screaming in horror, Haldir helped bleached what-is-his-name-guy from Scooby doo who fainted at the sight of the monster's pupil.)  
  
"Let the games begin," the cruel host announced and loud bang was heard somewhere from the dungeons beneath their feet.  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
Lucius Malfoy, Lego, Buf, Brit and Harm were sitting behind little school tables starring at the wide screen on the wall before them with their names or better their nick names. The host, now with bright green hair watched them in satisfaction.  
  
"OK Luc, can I call you that? Sure I can," the host ignored Malfoy opening mouth in protest.  
  
"So Luc, answer this question - how many times did certain blond vamp slayer die in very long horror show?"  
  
"Ehm," Luc looked around in confusion looking for help.  
  
"A - once B - slayers cannot die C - one freaking time too much D - don't know?" The host watched Luc intensely.  
  
"Err, A - once?" Luc said.  
  
"Wrong, mate, it's C - one freaking time too much " a long fart sound was heard from the jury's table.  
  
"So, I guess it is you and me, Lego," the host winked at him but Legolas reminded concentrated, he ignored the host completely.  
  
"So Lego, answer this - who at the Hogwarts is the most likely to have an affair with Harry Potter in the near future?"  
  
"A - Madam Hooch B - Seamus C - Aragorn D - Draco?"  
  
"How dare you!" Luc flushed red with rage.  
  
"How dare you!" Legolas was obviously pissed.  
  
The host watched them blankly. "It's just a game, you gits! Answer, pointy ear or do the trick!"  
  
"It is A - Madam Hooch," Legolas retorted looking proud.  
  
"Wrong, mate! It's D - Draco," the host grinned malevolently.  
  
"Good - so far we have two blond gits, a good jolly hurray for us!" she added.  
  
"OK, as for the girls - Buff, Brit and Harm, I think that you girls would prefer a good trick to some boring question and since you don't read much ... - the one that catches Lego and snoggs him first is the winner here!"  
  
"You wouldn't dare!" Legolas shoot killer looks toward the amused host with wild pinkish and violet hair.  
  
"Of course I do," the host patted his soft blond hair. "Be a good boy and run!"  
  
"Now girls!" the three of them jumped in the direction of Legolas who left his chair, landed on the table and started running towards the main gates, which were unfortunately locked.  
  
Buffy got him in a minute, threw him on the floor and crushed herself on him. Legolas was helplessly writhing under her, in vain trying to kick her off.  
  
"I. Don't. Like . Girls." He spat before Buffy kissed him full mouth.  
  
"Yes, luv, teach the elfie," Spike waved to his ex girlfriend.  
  
"Let me have him a bit, you selfish bitch," Brit tried to drag Buffy away from the blond elf she was straddling. Buf and Brit started to fight while Harm pushed the terrified elf to the stone wall and tried to unbutton his trousers.  
  
"That's enough," the host interfered when the thongs got serious and shove the blond trio away.  
  
Legolas stepped closer to the host, his fists clenched and grunting - his silken shirt was torn apart, giving the audience a very nice sight of muscular chest and abdomen. His lips were reddish from the maybelline lipstick. (Or maybe he was born with it, who knows.)  
  
"I lost my contact lenses again," Lego yelled at the host. "And the people will be complaining again why my eye color is changing! And the wild wench tore my beautiful shirt!"  
  
"Ok, come down, Lego, it was just a shirt. I'll buy you three of them after the quiz plus a set of different colors of lenses." The host tried to comfort him.  
  
"It's not just *a shirt* you senseless bitch! It's *the* shirt I wore when I met Aragorn for the first time! It's priceless... " Legolas went hysterical and the host ordered some tranquilizers for the cute elf. (they were brought to the elf in the form of dr. Carter from the ER and the elf finally shut up)  
  
"Uhm, sorry Lego but the audience demands some violence and nakedness, can't help bloke!" the host now with orange hair returned to the wide screen.  
  
"See the points - Luc and Lego one point, Buff one point, Brit five points and Harm gets two year's sentence for attempted rape. Police!"  
  
(the drums from the theme song of the NYPD were growing louder and louder)  
  
Sipowitz came with two police officers from the Third watch and handcuffed Harm.  
  
"Thanks," the host said to them as they disappeared behind the doors.  
  
"Let's continue our little quiz here, I guess it's time for our sponsors - we'll be right back after these valuable commercial information!"  
  
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(imagine some annoying corny music playing with big happy blond family chanting around some dish or car or pet food or shampoo or whatever...)  
  
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Plz review if you A - like it and would like to see the update soon  
B - hate it and want me to take it off NOW!  
C - don't care about it  
D - are my buddy, relative, alien, vamp, elf or wizard 


	2. after the commercials

Rated: PG-13 because Legolas was misbehaving  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, not even the computer, characters are not mine except the mysterious host. All the characters just broke in my already disturbed minds and this is the outcome...  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
LEGALLY (FAKE) BLONDE - PART 2  
  
starring the Malfoy duo, Elven peaches, spicy Spike, some honorable celebrities and many many more...  
  
**************************  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
(STILL imagining some annoying corny music playing with big happy blond family chanting around some dish or car or pet food or shampoo or whatever...)  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
"Hello and welcome back! It's the second group answering the questions! Here we have Draco, Haldir, Shakira, Spike and bleached guy from Scooby doo. A warm welcome to you all."  
  
They all waved to the camera.  
  
"So Draco, answer this question - about which of these people are Professor Snape's fantasies about?"  
  
"Ehm," Draco gulped.  
  
"A - Kate Winslet B - Hugh Grant C - Sean Connery D - Pamela Anderson?"  
  
"Maybe B - Hugh Grant?" Draco was guessing.  
  
"Wrong, mate, it's Kate Winslet, but you are sooo gey," the host smiled. "Handsome Haldy is next - tell me, Haldy, why did Anakin Skywalker turn to the dark side?" that question took Haldir the wise by surprise.  
  
Haldir mouthed to Legolas :"Who the fuck is Anakin guy?"  
  
"Could it be  
  
A - because he couldn't divorce B - because he liked name Darth better C - because he liked to mask himself D - because Lucas said so?"  
  
Haldir said: "That's not fair! The question is too demanding!"  
  
The host with yellow hair nodded :"OK, then do the trick - you have to dance to the 'You can leave your hat on' song instead!"  
  
"I would love to!" Haldir beamed and jumped on the table.  
  
He knew how to dance a striptease for sure!  
  
"Full Monty!" Shakira, Draco and Fred were screaming and whistling. Spike smacked himself to wake up from this gross nightmare but it didn't help. Buff and Brit ran from behind the stage followed by Legolas and Carter dressed in a hurry still a little breathless and formed a circle around the elven striptease.  
  
Luc Malfoy sat down near Spike who offered him a generous sip from his second bottle of fine Irish whisky.  
  
"We are ruined! My only son is gey and proud of that! It's all the elves fault! They had started it - damned wooden hippies!" Luc started to cry his black heart out and Spike felt sorry for the old fart from the evilness of his heart.  
  
"Get a grip, mate!" he said to the sobbing Malfoy when one of the jury - that Timberlake horror tried to join Haldy on his table but Sauron O'neeye and Dick threw him out of the hall.  
  
The party got hotter and hotter, now Spike and Luc drunk singing ;  
  
"Go, go, go, go  
  
Go, go, go Haldy  
  
It's your birthday  
  
We gon' party like it's yo birthday  
  
We gon' sip Jim Bean like it's your birthday  
  
And you know we don't give a fuck  
  
It's not your birthday!  
  
You can find me in da club, bottle full of blood  
  
Look Buffi you got the stick if you into stabbing vamps  
  
I'm into having sex, I ain't into sipping blood  
  
So come give me a neck if you into getting rubbed..."  
  
and then Luc Malfoy started his :  
  
"So pureblood but so in awe  
  
Such a saint but such a whore  
  
So self aware so full of shit  
  
I'm contemplating thinking about 'my son's gey' It's overrated I'll just get another drink and  
  
Watch Haldy come undone  
  
(come undone)  
  
They're selling wands and caldrons in the street  
  
(come undone)  
  
I pray that when Draco's coming down they'll be asleep  
  
(come undone)  
  
If I ever hurt him his revenge was so bitter  
  
Because he's scum, but he's my son,  
  
and Haldy comes undone and Haldy comes undone...."  
  
The host had left the party, not sure who won the prize - so she decided that you, dear readers should vote and tell who is according to your honorable opinion "The most stupid fake blond of the year 2003".  
  
Thanks! 


End file.
